(For Rollo Tomassi’s original post at The Rational Male, go here: http://therationalmale.com/2014/05/18/the-real-nice/#comments)

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There are a lot of important takeaways from the paradox and dilemma of the Nice Guy. Before we get into what can be learned about avoiding the "niceguy" trap, let's look at the current social constructs feminists are putting on the so-called, vaunted "Nice Guy".

There are genuine Nice Guys and then there are NiceGuys ™. The "real" Nice Guy is a genuinely good, kind man. He is kind and deferential to girls because he believes that such traits are sexually attractive. But when he tries and fails with girls because those traits are NOT sexually attractive, he becomes frustrated and angry. This man only uses "beta game" because he's been told this will work. He's also been told that his supplication and "nice guy" affect are the only legitimate methods of gaining romantic and sexual relationships with women.

The NiceGuy ™ is not genuinely good and kind. There's really nothing genuine about him. He's a faux nice guy who mimics the traits of real Nice Guys to "get in good" with girls he's attracted to, in the hopes of gaining romantic and sexual relationships with them. The NiceGuy ™ believes his supplication entitles him to relationships and sex. When he fails, he becomes outwardly angry, possibly even violent. The NiceGuy ™ is inauthentic, disingenuous and insincere, and possibly dangerous.

Why Nice Guy Behaviors Don't Create Attraction

In his post "The 'Real' Nice" at The Rational Male, Rollo Tomassi expertly dissects the dynamics of the situation. First, the so-called "nice guy" behaviors of supplication, pedestalization and deference aren't attractive. They never have been and never will be. The Nice Guy makes a crucial mistake in presuming that because she wants those things in a man, they will "turn her on" or she will find them attractive or arousing. That's the prime source of his frustration.

Second, the nice guy wants a woman to appreciate, even love, him for his kindness and good, affable, friendly nature. The horrible truth is that she won't. She desires those traits in an attractive man. But she doesn't love him for them and won't appreciate those traits in him in the way he expects her to appreciate him. The only way he can garner the appreciation he wants is to be sufficiently high value that she will have a healthy fear of losing him. Learning how to be what women want requires understanding that creating great experiences matters far more than performing niceness.

The third thing is that the nice guy's traits and behavior are nothing more than appeals to her "reason". The nice guy's rationalization hamster concludes that he can earn her love and affection through displays of kindness, or that they "should" be together because it "just makes sense". The argument is: "We look so good on paper and in theory. We are good friends. It just makes sense that we should be together." Or it can sound like this: "I've done all these things for you. You should be attracted to me!" Either way, appeals to reason don't equate to desirability or attraction. It's an attempt at negotiated desire, a try at bargaining with her for her affection. It's doomed to failure.

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In an interesting parallel, the "So Did the Fat Lady" episode of the FX series "Louie", starring comic Louis C.K., features an exchange between main character Louie and his date, a plain and generously proportioned woman named Vanessa. During that exchange, Vanessa appeals to Louie's reason in why they should be a couple. She tells him: "guys like you never flirt with me, because you get scared that maybe you should be with a girl like me. And why not? You know, if you were standing over there looking at us, you know what you'd see? That we totally match. We're actually a great couple together. And yet, you would never date a girl like me. Have you ever dated a girl that was heavier than you? Have you?"

"Appeals to reason" are the sole province of the feminine, apparently. One can never say publicly that women are "bad" or "shallow" or "superficial" because they aren't sexually attracted to "Nice Guys". Nor can one ever say that a "Nice Guy" is entitled to a woman's affections. Keep in mind that men cannot use the same social conventions that are available to women.

It's socially acceptable for an unattractive woman to call out a man for not being attracted to her, when she thinks he "should" be attracted to her. When employed against men, "appeal to reason" becomes shaming. Louie's lack of attraction to Vanessa must be subordinated to the facts that Louie and Vanessa "match" and are "a great couple together". Their being a couple would serve her interests in giving her the validation she wants: that she is an attractive, desirable woman, a sexual being. The clear import of Vanessa's speech is that Louie is a bad man and a superficial human being for not being attracted to her because of her weight; and that Vanessa is entitled to a man's attention and affections.

The Path Forward: Becoming A Good Man, Not A Nice Guy

The important takeaways for men here are as follows:

First, be the best version of you that you can possibly be. Get into self improvement. Increase your "social intelligence" and your ability to interact with a wide variety of people. Do what you need to do to gain confidence in your personal life, your job and your circle of friends and acquaintances. When you improve your confidence today, you create the foundation for authentic interactions tomorrow.

Second, looks matter. Your physical appearance matters. The world doesn't care that you don't like this. Get over it. Do all you can to improve your physical appearance. Lose the weight. Get a better haircut. Ditch the old wardrobe. Get better fitting clothes.

Third, pursue what you want. No "nice guy" is blowing smoke up any girl's skirt with his nice conduct, either genuine or affected. Both parties know what's going on. He wants a relationship with her that will lead to sex. His hesitation isn't attractive, and if affected long enough can look "creepy". You might as well do your best to establish rapport; and if you want something, then pursue it. If you want a woman and there's some rapport there, then pursue her. If you fail in the attempt, then at least you did what you could.

Fourth, forget "Nice". Substitute it with "Good". Eliminate "nice" from your vocabulary and your behaviors. There are no nice guys. There are only good men and bad men. Be a good man. Be merciful to those who warrant it; mete out justice to those who deserve it. Be conscientious, competent, and confident. Work well at your chosen occupation and get damn good at it. Observe what goes on around you, in front of you, behind you and on the periphery. Adhere strictly to a moral code and ruthlessly hold yourself to it. Abjure those who have no code or who insult yours. Be on amicable terms with as many people as you can. If you cannot be on amicable terms, be on polite terms. If you can't be on polite terms, be on no terms at all.

Fifth, put your interests first. Know and understand your interests and goals, and act upon them. That does not mean ruthlessly stamping out those below you. It does mean taking care of yourself first, and then caring for others. It does mean that your interests have value and should be pursued and efforts made to satisfy them. It does mean your interests should not be ignored or subjugated to those of others. It does mean you must never permit others to subvert your goals. Understanding that you're ready for the next step when your values align with another person shows you respect both yourself and genuine compatibility.

Sixth, you're not entitled to anything. But then, neither is anyone else. You might as well accept these truths as self-evident. You're not entitled to sex from any girl. You're not entitled to her affection or attention. Most girls won't be attracted to you. Let go of your old thoughts, habits and patterns which suggested to you that the nice guy just has to be nice enough for long enough and he'll eventually win. You won't.

But keep this in mind too: She's not entitled to anything from you, either—not your time, your money, your resources or your attention. She doesn't get to demand them from you merely because you're there or you're convenient. You shouldn't volunteer them either. The only women who should benefit from your resources are those you deem worthy. Put value on what you have, and don't dole it out to just anyone. If you have nothing of value, then see the earlier points, and get something of value.